I inherited my mom’s 1970’s lime green, Jell-O Tupperware mold when she passed away in 2021. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, my mother, and her mother before her, created masterpieces filled with fruit and other deliciousness for family reunions and holidays in that little piece of plastic. I stood in wonder watching their expertise as they cooked and cooled their concoctions with ease. Once the Jello-O was done, they broke the seal of the mold, then rapidly inverted its contents onto a fancy dish; displaying their handiwork for all of us to enjoy. My girls and I perform the same magnificent routine every Thanksgiving when we make their Mema’s famous cranberry Jell-O recipe.
Bullard Pack Thanksgiving 2021
If you’ve ever made Jell-O straight-outta-the box you know that boiling water is required to dissolve its contents. In order to prepare the mixture, ongoing heat must be applied. Only after a specified amount of time under intense pressure can the Jell-O finally be removed from the pot and transferred into a dish to begin its cooling process in the fridge overnight. During such time, the wiggly jiggly substance conforms to its container.
Such is the case with my heart.
In this season, as the Lord increases the temperature to the boiling point, I admit: my flesh grumbles & complains a little (ok- a LOT!). Mercifully, I’ve also come to my senses by the power of His Spirit, and submit my will to this divine pressure. Instead of ignoring or idolizing the explosive emotions that emerge from the heat in my heart, I’m learning to press into the pain. As I do, I discover, like David did in his Psalms of lament; the Lord hears my cry. In these moments of raw vulnerability, I am laying down in green pastures… and He’s restoring my soul.
I believe this, in part, is what it means to be a disciple.
Being.
Sitting.
At the feet of Jesus.
Praying; in secret and in community.
Submitting to the Word; in secret and in community.
Worshipping; in secret and in community.
I’m also in counseling.
And I’m seeking wise advice (lots of couch convos with my best friend [my man], and a few trusted leaders & friends).
Making Jell-O is a process, my friend……as is transforming the heart.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Sojourning Sheep,
My head knows the Lord is my Shepherd, but admittedly, it’s been a difficult 18-inch journey towards my heart.
I’m what experts call a self- motivated, natural born leader. I’m a sheep and a shepherd. As a shepherd, I’m a doer. I get stuff DONE. Quickly, and as efficiently as possible. It’s a strength and simultaneously, a weakness. The joy of this God given skill is that I am bound & determined to complete an assigned task, come hell or high water. The sorrow is that I can often cross over into striving, doing things in my own strength. Like a sheep with blinders on, I go full speed ahead in the pasture, and in so doing, I sometimes fail to stop long enough to hear that still small voice. Especially when He whispers “you’re done now, it’s time to transition,” Instead, I keep doing, doing, doing without realizing the grace has lifted, and I’m fighting the good fight of faith- in my flesh.
As a result, I burn out.
I wear out.
I break out- into a volcanic explosion of anger towards the enemy… and fellow sheep.
Such is the case with the pasture I’m transitioning out of. I’ll spare you the gory details. Just know that my soul has suffered- not to the point of death as our Savior, but it has been pierced with many sorrows. I’ve taken a few ravenous bites from the big bad wolf and some nips from other sheep. Please know, I am not without sin in all of this. My words proved that my heart was not always fruitful in all my “bah, bah-ing” either.
After a few pity parties (thankfully they don’t last as long as they used to!) about the pain in the pasture, I made my way back to the Shepherd. There, I heard Him say, “LAY DOWN Jodie….I want to RESTORE your soul.” He whispered His instruction multiple times, confirming His Word through Scripture, trusted shepherds and mature sheep.
Even though the transition between sheepfolds didn’t go as I expected, I am grateful to know the One who leads me, guides me and cuts me between joint & marrow, exposing my inner most thoughts.
The LORD is a good Shepherd.
I have all that we need in and through Him.
His rod and His staff protects and comforts.
His direction brings REST.
His discipline RESTORES my soul!
I don’t know what kind of pasture you find yourself in this season. Whether you’re a sheep or a shepherd of His sheep, or both, I want to encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Listen for His voice. Follow Him. Rest in Him. Stay close to Him. Let Him comfort & protect you. Eat of His body. Drink of His blood. LAY DOWN in His pastures. And live there- in His house of prayer.
We’ve been living in the land God promised our family for over a year now. Indeed, it IS a land flowing with milk and honey. Actually, its flowing with orange juice and cattle! Centrally located between east & west coast beaches, Polk County, FL is full of cattle ranchers and citrus farmers.
Ten years ago, the Spirit of the Lord spoke to me in the secret place early one morning. He said He was removing the tent pegs of our temporary tabernacle, which would require us to leave our fathers land (both our dads were born & raised in NC) to settle in a new land where our family would dwell in a multi-generational house of prayer on a lake (HOTFM; Lakeland, FL). A series of dreams, divine encounters, visits down south and countless confirmations in Scripture confirmed the call for each member of our family- and the spiritual, emotional and physical cost each of us would pay to obey.
Living in- and leaving Egypt was a painful process, as I’ve written about in very raw language on this blog many times. I suffered rejection, betrayal and denial of what the Lord said through several of my closest relationships. I readily admit that I didn’t handle all the words spoken against me in a healthy way. Nor did I deal with the silent treatment that also ensued. Although I tried to forgive and forget while continuing to fight the good fight of faith, many scars began to fester and I started fighting a few battles in my flesh. A bitter root emerged as a result of self-righteous anger and the perceived injustice I felt.
But praise the Lord…Jesus still heals and delivers us from all our sin!!! By the power of His Spirit, the Word made flesh used several parts of His body to pray, encourage, correct and rebuke this emotionally temperamental teenager! One brave soul literally told me she saw a bitter root entrenched in my heart…and proceeded to intercede so that I could be set FREE. Hallelujah! A wonderful Christian Counselor has also helped me untangle from the thorns and thistles that grew in the soil of my soul the last 10 years.
Today, I can now say with confidence that like Jesus, I’ve learned obedience by the things I’ve suffered in this wilderness season. I’m not completely out of the desert, but I am beginning to see the end of this valley of the shadow of death, and I’m leaning even more on my Beloved!
The pain of the past is being consumed by the fire in His eyes. Jesus. The Word. IS powerful! When He speaks through Scripture, or by His Spirit in prayer, visions, dreams or divine appointments, He cuts straight to the heart. Separating between soul & spirit, He exposes… Every. Thing. Everything we’ve tried to hide from Him, ourselves and others in the garden. But if we’ll learn to trust Him through this process, we’ll receive His loving kindness which leads us to repentance.
In His presence, we are once again naked and unashamed. Fixing our gaze on the One who gave up His life for us. In that place, we realize HE is the only One we are accountable to.
As I am breaking free of this fear of man, I am re-discovering the need for God’s order of operations:
I’m sure I have many more lessons to learn in this land flowing with citrus and cattle, but for now I leave you with this encouragement, my friend: Seek FIRST the Kingdom!
Let me be clear: I had not gone without food for forty days. But I had repeatedly denied my flesh so that I may be led by the Spirit…
Into the wilderness.
To be tempted.
Wait.
What?
Why?!
Why would a loving Father, a sacrificial Son, a comforting Spirit lead me into the desert to dance with the devil?
Perhaps to prove to him (and myself) that he could try to lead, but I do not have to follow.
On this particular encounter, I was hit by the enemy. Twice. Through the same person. On the same day. My flesh immediately felt the impact. After the shock set in, I went straight into defense mode. I began planning my reaction:
Who could I tell?
Who could I get on my side?
Who could I ask to fight for MY name to be cleared?
A few people came to mind. I rehearsed what I’d say. I even assumed how it might feel being justified in my anger, and affirmed for being “right.” But someone prompted me to pause, and reconsider. Perhaps there was a better way to process. Perhaps my initial reaction wasn’t what Jesus would do.
Cue hearing Matthew 4:1-11 in my mind.
Cue hearing Romans 12:19 in my mind.
Cue hearing Psalm 148: 13 in my mind.
Cue seeing our church wide devotional for that day about wielding the Word of God (based on 1 John 2:14).
Cue our discussion about it in the prayer room that morning.
Cue me crying out to the Lord a short time later, literally asking Holy Spirit for help; to desire His Word above all else. To hunger and thirst for righteousness!
Immediately, with enough evidence stacked against the accuser of the brethren, I simply stated the Truth. I answered that prosecuting attorney in the same way my Savior and Lord did,
“It is written…”
“It is written…”
“It is written…”
I quoted Romans 12:19 & Psalm 148:13. Of course, that jerk didn’t remain silent for very long. Oh no. He tried again. This time, he began pointing his finger at one of my friends, saying she shoulda, coulda, woulda told my offender off if she really loved me. I wasn’t buying what he was selling. I reminded that snake of who my friend is. I knew she had not partnered with him against me, and I wasn’t going to partner with him against her.
And in that moment, the Lord reminded me of another friend who had the same trap laid for her not so long ago. She was tempted in the very same way I was. Unfortunately, she reacted quite differently. In her anger, she unwittingly joined in the lies and false accusation against others. Instead of pointing a Pharisaical finger at her, my heart was moved with great compassion. I’ve been exactly where she is. I’ve taken the bait more times than I can count. And I’ve found myself caught in the same trap, suffering the effects of bitterness when I refused to forgive those who had sinned against me.
Ugh!
So many battles.
So many arrows.
So much bleeding out.
So much loss.
So much trauma.
So much pain.
And….yet,
So much healing!
So much deliverance!
Praise the Lord, He did not leave or forsake me on the battlefield when I fell. He didn’t reject or condemn me when I failed to obey His orders – the Commander of Heavens Armies. Instead, He waited and kept the Red Cross tent open and ready for the day I recognized my sin, confessed it, repented, and returned to Him.
My friend, I hope I’ve learned my lesson.
I hope next time I’ll be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
I’m grateful His Spirit was my strength in weakness, allowing me to pass this recent test. I’m certain there will be more. And I’m certain His Spirit is and will be able to remind me again of His Word; my weapon of warfare against powers and principalities I cannot see. And I’m certain His Spirit will help me to forgive those I CAN see again.
46 As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him.47 Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.”[a]
48 Jesus asked, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” 49 Then he pointed to his disciples and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. 50 Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!”
The Lord began highlighting this passage of scripture years ago, when He called me, like Abraham, to leave my father’s land to go to a new land which our family would inherit. In the midst of the process of uprooting from North Carolina, God continued asking: “who is my mother?” Simultaneously, He continued confirming His call to leave everything and follow Him over and over again through Scripture, dreams, visions and divine appointments with complete strangers! One dream in particular, He whispered “consider the cost…” I had NO way of knowing at the time, what that Word would require. Sure, I knew to some extent the “cost” would include physical hardships in selling a house, buying a house and moving a lifetime of stuff from NC to FL. And I knew there would be a spiritual battle as I obeyed. But what happened, was completely unexpected, as warfare often is. At some point in the process, many people I love opposed the Word in me. Yes, friends and family, alike, knowingly or unknowingly partnered with the accuser of the brethren against the promise I carried. The enemy would not go down quietly, without a fight. He wanted my soul to stay in Egypt; in bondage to Pharaoh, enslaved to the work of churning mud into bricks without straw (He literally gave me this vision at a corporate prayer meeting one night). Battered and bruised, I would not be moved! That slithering serpent even sucker punched me, with one final low blow beneath the belt when we arrived in Florida.
I realized pretty quickly, once we got somewhat settled into our new home and covenant community that I needed to come off the battlefield to rest and recover in the RED CROSS tent.
I’m still there.
It’s a strange thing to be living and growing and learning in the fertile land God promised, while simultaneously allowing the Lord to bind up my broken heart. In this season, I am surrounded by mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters in the faith who are caring for me in ways I cannot begin to comprehend. It’s miraculous. I’ve found my family!!! And we are living together in our Father’s house; a house of prayer- in central Florida, surrounded by cows and citrus farms! Multiple times a week, I meet with other intercessors who carry a burden to see His Kingdom come, His will be done. I often praise the Lord on my drive to and fro, “THANK YOU, Lord. You are faithful! You fulfilled your promise! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” Gratitude explodes from my heart. And yet, sometimes…even in the proceeding moment- I cry out in the deepest grief.
How can this be?
I believe it’s all a part of the process ….of being transformed into His image.
You see, it was His Spirit that whispered the promise my elder Brother heard from Our Father in heaven. It was His Spirit that gave me the faith to obey His command. It was His Spirit that prepared me to leave Egypt. It was His Spirit that sustained me in the wilderness. It was His Spirit that enabled me to continue marching on towards the land flowing with milk and honey. And, it is by His Spirit that I am coming up out of this present wilderness, leaning on my beloved as I grieve the loss of my mother, leaving my father and sister, my spiritual mommas, and extended family and friends.
He is still with me; in gratitude AND in grief, He is with me…
Comforting me with His rod and staff.
Leading me through the valley.
Renewing my strength.
Guiding me.
Preparing me.
Honoring me.
Pursuing me.
And I will dwell in His house forever and ever, Amen!
My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were all farmers at various times in their lives. I, however, did not inherit their skill of plowing, sowing, waiting and reaping. In the physical sense, anyhow! But by the Spirit, I’m beginning to catch a glimpse of the Father’s heart regarding times and seasons.
Solomon, in all his wisdom, declares that there is a time to plant and a time to harvest. Instinctively, we tend to focus on the doing part of this verse (plant/harvest), but what about the being part; the “and a” season of transition?
A time to plant = doing
and a = being
A time to harvest = doing
Every farmer knows you never reap in the same season you sow. That “and a” season in between allows the seed TIME to die, take root, grow, emerge, and produce after its planted. Every parent understands the same analogy. There’s a transition between the seed being fertilized at the moment of conception and delivery. It’s the growing season called pregnancy! Nine months of developing until the appointed time for the child to be born. I’ll be honest, this child of God doesn’t really like transitional seasons. I can easily become impatient with the PROCESS. Often times, my impetuous nature tries to convince me to push through the transition because it’s so hard to just BE! To be still. And know that HE is God.
In this “and a” season, I am learning to embrace the PROCESS of death. For to know the power of Jesus in His resurrection, we must participate in His suffering, becoming like Him in death, amen? (Philippians 3:10)
The literal death of my mother.
The physical death of moving; our home, our church, our community.
The relational death (rejection, betrayal, denial) of family and friends.
From my vantage point, it has been a long, hard, painful season of:
Killing
Tearing down
Crying
Grieving
Scattering stones
Turning away
Searching
Throwing away
Tearing
Quietness
But from God’s vantage point, this PROCESS of transformation is but a moment in the timeline of eternity. His time and seasons have a PURPOSE. He wants to PRODUCE good fruit in me! He’s a good Farmer, He knows what He’s doing. I simply have to trust Him.
Like Peter, when the Lord first called me over twenty years ago, I obeyed; leaving my nets on the shore at once to follow Him.
And, when He called me to move to Florida, I obeyed; stepping out of the boat and onto the sea in the midst of a storm of people’s opinions.
Now my faith, like Peter’s, is being tested.
Matthew 14:22-31
New Living Translation
22 Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home.23 After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.
A few years before our move, I received a prophetic word from one of the elders in our church. He foretold that I would step into a stormy season and like Peter, I would begin to sink. He encouraged me not to be afraid- reminding me that the Lord would be with me. He said that in the end, I would be OK. Then he pulled out his phone to show me a picture that captured what he was seeing by the Spirit: https://www.amazon.com/HavenLight-Yongsung-Kim-Painting-Reaching/dp/B076HSJBL8?th=1 (I bought a copy of that print when we moved; I’m literally staring at it as I write!) I’ve never reacted so strongly to a prophecy. Quite frankly, it pissed me off!!! How dare this religious leader tell ME that my faith would fail!?
Spiritual pride, much?!
Absolutely. It may have been hidden below the surface of my self-righteous heart at the time, but the Lord knew it was there.
Nine months into our Promised Land journey I started realizing that storm was churning in the sea of my soul. All of my coping mechanisms of control were failing. And I came face to face with the reality that I was sinking….
Staring at the wind and waves, I began to lose sight of the One who beckoned me to, “come.” I cried out, “Lord, HELP!” Desperate attempts to save myself led to sinking further and further into the darkness. I couldn’t pray it away. I couldn’t cast it out. I couldn’t get delivered from it. Exhausted from trying to tread water on my own, my faith was failing. Grasping for answers, I contemplated another way out. Maybe I needed others to pray it away or cast it out or deliver me from evil? None of it was working. Don’t get me wrong- this is all biblical! (If you’ve followed my posts, you know I am a HUGE fan of Spirit led Healing & Deliverance Ministry! I’ve received & walked with many on their journey of freedom in Christ over the last 10 years.) But it’s NOT what the Spirit was saying. No quick fix, miracle, sign or wonder was coming to rescue me. Instead, in His goodness and for His glory, He’s allowing me to walk through this valley of the shadow of death called: PROCESS.
This PROCESS is painful.
But it’s necessary. And it’s beautiful.
Just like it was for Peter.
Yesterday, after my counseling appointment (part of the PROCESS) I stopped by Lake Morton. As I sat on the shore, feeding the birds, I watched another summer storm roll in. As the wind blew and the waves moved across the surface of the water, I felt such peace.
For a brief moment, my soul settled as I realized, He is with me. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. AND, He is seated at the right hand of the Father interceding for me!
Yes, I am in the midst of a storm.
Yes, I am being sifted like wheat.
But… I am gonna be okay.
His Word is true!
He IS a good Shepherd; on the shore and on the sea.
Are you in the midst of a PROCESS, my friend?
Let me know how I can partner with the Lord in prayer for you.
Please share your story in the comments section below.
“The difficulty in surrendering to process is that there is no road map. I can’t tell you what you will experience along the way, or who you will be when you get there. I can tell you that it isn’t going to be easy, that it may get worse before it gets better, and that the alternatives to taking this journey are worse than the journey itself. These alternatives may include depression, prolonged numbness, decreased satisfaction with your remaining relationships, addiction, emotional difficulties that manifest as physical symptoms, or significantly less zest for living…the one thing that I do know with certainty from my own struggles and from being a midwife to countless others as they face their dark sides: Feelings that find expression change. And THAT change is the process that brings transformation.”
Deep Into the Water 