Lay down, Cow!

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Psalm 23:1-2

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures…

When we moved to Florida two years ago, I became obsessed with cows. It seemed random at first. For heaven’s sake, we had cows in North Carolina and in California where I grew up! Yet, for some strange reason, I began squealing like a little girl every time we passed a pasture in Polk County.

Turns out, my actions weren’t random. Or strange.

I’ve especially been drawn to heifers, cows and calves. Recently, I learned from a friend that I am NOT a heifer- as some wrongly assumed. I’m actually a cow, thank you very much! A heifer has not given birth to a calf. This cow has delivered four! Armed with this newly acquired knowledge, I started to embrace the fact that I had been led to engage with these bovines. My friends who own cattle have since given me access to talk to and pet their animals- and pray over their land whenever I ask. Others have invited me to their home, which overlooks a neighbor’s herd to take pictures or just sit and stare at these magnificent creatures. Hey. Don’t judge me!

Cows are a picture of what I prayed for. What I’m trying to tell you is, this crazy infatuation is really from the Lord!

Allow me to explain…

Polk County was once home to the greatest number of cattle barons in the state of Florida. Lots and lots of land. Lots and lots of cows!!! Bartow was named the county seat after a baron donated a large tract of land to ensure the regions governmental authority rested in his hometown. How did the Bullard’s come to reside in the county of Polk, in the city of Bartow you ask? Well, it wasn’t my plan, I can tell ya that. MY plan was to live in Lakeland. The covenant community we’re a part of is there. Most of our friends are there. The parks and lakes and walking/biking trails we use are there. The majority of restaurants and shops we frequent are…you guessed it, THERE. The “tow” as locals have nicknamed it, was definitely not on our radar when shopping for houses online. But, His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are definitely not our thoughts. After being awake all night with explosive diarrhea, hearing the Lord said “I gave you what you wanted” (Psalm 106:15) we withdrew the first contract we made on our dream home- a beautiful hacienda in Haines City. Immediately, my man and I prayed, “your Kingdom come, your will be done- give us the house YOU want!” Turns out the seventh offer was the one He wanted. In July 2021, we finally closed on our home in Bartow, in a city and neighborhood we did not want to live in. But did I mention that our subdivision was formerly a cow pasture!? We literally heard (pun intended!) cows mooing each morning from the old homestead directly behind us, as we sipped coffee on our lanai. Unfortunately for us, those cows have since moved on to greener pastures.

In the spring of this year, the Lord told me it was time to LAY DOWN. After a bit of a struggle, I finally relented. Since obeying His voice, I began realizing what He’s been trying to teach me all along. Psalm 23 gives the analogy of Him being a good shepherd and us being good sheep, willing to be lead- regardless of where He goes. In this season, He led me to LAY DOWN; to rest…in green pastures. Cows LAY DOWN in green pastures every day. Each afternoon or evening, as we drive down Eagle Lake Road towards home I see heifers, cows and calves lying in the grass chewing their cud. After grazing all day, they rest and regurgitate what they’ve ingested. The same, as it turns out, happens with me. Every morning, in the secret place I hear my Shepherd’s voice in Scripture, Silence and Solitude. Then I start mooing about all the things and listen for His leading. Sometimes I know immediately where we’re going. And other times, I get up and go about my day, chewing the cud. As I do, Holy Spirit reminds me of passages I’ve read or visions, dreams and encounters with Jesus I’ve experience alone or corporately. He brings to remembrance that I must pray in the Spirit, asking Jesus what He’s asking the Father. In due season, at just the right time, I hear from heaven and a piece of the puzzle will find its place in the portrait I see Him painting.

Today was one of those moments that connected the dot to dots. God has literally given me what I asked for:

To know Him as Shepherd

To go where He leads

To LAY DOWN in green pastures

To restore my soul

My friend, I’m here to tell ya that this cow has tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord! I’m leaning on my Shepherd. I’m finding my voice in the pasture. And in due season, I’m gonna come up outta this place SHOUTING to every heifer, cow and calf that will listen,


    Clear the way for the Lord’s coming!

(Isaiah 40, John 1)

Psalm 96 Records

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Psalm 96

Amplified Bible

1 O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth!

2 Sing to the Lord, bless (affectionately praise) His name; show forth His salvation from day to day.

3 Declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the peoples.

4 For great is the Lord and greatly to be praised; He is to be reverently feared and worshiped above all [so–called] gods.

5 For all the gods of the nations are [lifeless] idols, but the Lord made the heavens.

6 Honor and majesty are before Him; strength and beauty are in His sanctuary.

7 Ascribe to the Lord, O you families of the peoples, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

8 Give to the Lord the glory due His name; bring an offering and come [before Him] into His courts.

9 O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness; tremble before and reverently fear Him, all the earth.

10 Say among the nations that the Lord reigns; the world also is established, so that it cannot be moved; He shall judge and rule the people righteously and with justice.

11 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all the things which fill it;

12 Let the field be exultant, and all that is in it! Then shall all the trees of the wood sing for joy

13 Before the Lord, for He comes, for He comes to judge and govern the earth! He shall judge the world with righteousness and justice and the peoples with His faithfulness and truth.

Today is one of those marker moments in life. Feeling compelled to build an altar to the Lord, this blog post is written as a remembrance of God’s love, His goodness and His faithfulness to our family.

Our third born daughter, Malorie Jane Bullard released her debut album entitled “Close to You” at midnight on November 3, 2023! As a mother, I am proud of her accomplishments and grateful for the many gifts God has given. But there’s so much more to her song story than notes and lyrics.

In the summer of 2002, I suffered a traumatic miscarriage with my third pregnancy. When I began hemorrhaging at home, I knew something was dreadfully wrong. After checking in with my OB/GYN that confirmed no heartbeat, we were immediately sent to the hospital for an emergency D&C. The doctor warned me that the situation was complicated and to prepare for the worse-  I may not conceive any more children. When I woke from surgery, I was weeping uncontrollably. The nurse tried to comfort me, to no avail. I went home stunned, in shock, and deeply grieved for the large family I believe God had promised. At the same time, I was grateful for the two little girls I held in my arms during recovery.

That fall, I discovered I was pregnant again! The doctor confirmed, but warned again of the complications I had suffered and that statistically I was at greater risk of another miscarriage. In order to ensure a healthy pregnancy, weekly blood tests were required. At some point, I decided I was done being afraid. I told God I would trust Him, regardless of the outcome. At 18 weeks’ gestation, an ultra-sound confirmed the miraculous! Safe inside her mother’s womb, a sweet baby girl was growing in the shelter of His wings. On July 3, 2003 Malorie Jane Bullard made her silent debut into the world amidst all the noise; I was screaming and speaking in unknown languages having suffered horrendous back labor and unplanned natural childbirth! Holding our little bundle of joy there in the hospital, we were completely unaware of the challenges that lie ahead…

For the first four months of life, she screamed & cried uncontrollably, projectile vomiting after every feeding. We were unable to sooth or comfort her in any way. Even while nursing, she seemed distant and unable to bond with me. I also cried uncontrollably as we made multiple trips to doctors and hospitals for help. We tried every formula on the market, medication and expert recommendation. Again, at some point I decided I was done being afraid. If she had to continue to endure such pain with projectile vomiting, she would do so in her mother’s arms, drinking her mother’s milk. At four months old, we supplemented her feedings with rice cereal which helped weigh the contents of her stomach down long enough to digest more nutrients. She was eighteen months old before the raging reflux and vomiting ceased. By then, however, we were in the midst of another storm…

I had noticed Malorie wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Or anyone else. She seemed to live in her own little world. And when others interrupted that space, she became violent. She relied on me for her basic needs, but there was no connection. For the first four years of her life she remained silent. She did eventually learn to say “ma-ma” and “da-da,” and a few other unrecognizable words. Countless doctors and specialists ignored my cries for help. So, I began doing my own research. Information about Autism was just beginning to be published and so I pushed and pushed and pushed doctors until a first-year physician’s assistant FINALLY listened and referred us to UNC Hospitals for an evaluation. Upon completing a 25-page application separately, my husband and I joined hundreds of other families on a two-year waiting list.

In the meantime, God called us to withdraw our oldest two girls from public school to homeschool. Continuing Autism research in my spare time (ha ha!) I discovered many practical tools that helped Malorie thrive at home. When it was time for her to start Kindergarten, she joined our homeschool. Even though she was still non-verbal, she listened and learned alongside her sisters every day. Later that year, Malorie was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Seated around a large conference table with highly educated experts, they questioned her miraculous improvement. She had started talking, interacting with us, a few others, and showing a profound love of music. After noticing her stimming/flapping when music was on in the house, I intentionally began playing classical and children’s tapes for the girls during the day, in the car, and every night at bedtime. And when our second oldest began piano lessons a few years later, I decided to sign Malorie up too!

A songwriter since age 9, Malorie Jane Bullard is no longer silent.

She was made to sing a new song!

Isaiah 40:1-5

Amplified Bible

40 Comfort, comfort My people, says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to the heart of Jerusalem, and cry to her that her time of service and her warfare are ended, that [her punishment is accepted and] her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received [punishment] from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one who cries: Prepare in the wilderness the way of the Lord [clear away the obstacles]; make straight and smooth in the desert a highway for our God!

4 Every valley shall be lifted and filled up, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked and uneven shall be made straight and level, and the rough places a plain.

5 And the glory (majesty and splendor) of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.

Enriched

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1 Corinthians 1:4-9

New Living Translation

4 I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts he has given you, now that you belong to Christ Jesus. 5 Through him, God has enriched your church in every way—with all of your eloquent words and all of your knowledge. 6 This confirms that what I told you about Christ is true. 7 Now you have every spiritual gift you need as you eagerly wait for the return of our Lord Jesus Christ. 8 He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns. 9 God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

This morning at corporate prayer, as a young man read 1 Corinthians 1:4-9, my mind fixated on the word ENRICHED. As he continued speaking & praying into the passage, I was reminded of the marketing phrase etched on most bags of flour in our grocery stores. Advertisers ensure consumers that its contents are “enriched” with vital nutrients for our good.

It’s a lie.

As a stereotypical homeschool mom, I know how to make & bake bread. In previous seasons, we were members of a local co-op that purchased hundreds of pounds of wheat each quarter. After doing a bit of research and learning from older, wiser mommas, our family eventually invested in a grain grinder and bread maker. Having previously suffered from what I thought was a gluten intolerance, I was pleasantly surprised when my home-made loaves not only tasted better, they actually improved my digestion. The bread we were consuming was full of life giving vitamins and minerals!  

Once a grain of wheat is broken, the consumer has approximately 72 hours to grind, make, bake and eat before the loaf is void of all nutritional value. Otherwise, it rots.

The same was true of the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness. But they only had 24 hours before maggots consumed their meal. Manna fell by God’s grace, from heaven every day and for 6 days God’s children had to go out and get it, eat it and digest it. They could only store what they gathered on the 6th day for Sabbath. Otherwise, what they tried to contain for themselves would rot. It would, in essence return to them void.

Beloved, such is the case with all of God’s children. We cannot live without our daily bread. All that’s required is to get up and get it! Consuming other people’s loaves that sit on shelves year after year won’t sustain us. Our souls were made to eat the bread of life every day. When we wake up each morning, we must go to a secret place, shut the door, pray and ask the Holy Spirit to breathe on the pages of Scripture. Only then will we receive the nutrients our hearts yearn for: wisdom & revelation of Jesus Christ. If we do, He promises: we will never be hungry again…and His Word will NOT return void!!!

John 6:35

New Living Translation

35 Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

Grief into Gratitude

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Jeremiah 31:12-14

Amplified Bible

12 They shall come and sing aloud on the height of Zion and shall flow together and be radiant with joy over the goodness of the Lord—for the corn, for the juice [of the grape], for the oil, and for the young of the flock and the herd. And their life shall be like a watered garden, and they shall not sorrow or languish any more at all.

13 Then will the maidens rejoice in the dance, and the young men and old together. For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and make them rejoice after their sorrow.

14 I will satisfy fully the life of the priests with abundance [of offerings shared with them], and My people will be satisfied with My goodness, says the Lord.

Oh, my friend. What a season it has been! The Master Gardener has been hard at work; uprooting, transplanting, pruning, cutting and cultivating the soil of my soul. In His process, I don’t always begin as a willing participant, but I’m thankful that He is patient, slow to anger and abounding in His love for me.

Many things have died or been destroyed in His tending. I have grieved the loss of people and places and previous years of production. He’s been stripping every dead branch and exposing every bitter root. Because, little foxes of rejection and rebellion that remain buried in darkness always spoil the vine. With eternity in mind, He’s given me what I’ve asked for: a clean heart that loves Him with all my mind, will and emotions. By His grace, He will produce the fruit He’s after- for His glory, and my good.

Scattered seeds were buried, died, took root and are beginning to burst forth. Mourning is transitioning into JOY. Grief is growing into gratitude!!!

Through the Valley, into the Wilderness

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Psalm 23:4

4 Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.

Mark 1:12-13

12 Immediately the [Holy] Spirit [from within] drove Him out into the wilderness (desert),

13 And He stayed in the wilderness (desert) forty days, being tempted [all the while] by Satan; and He was with the wild beasts, and the angels ministered to Him [continually].

During a youth camp service at Forest Home in the 80’s I had what some call a mountain high experience. While singing the chorus of “Awesome God,” an altar call was given to me and my fellow Gen X-ers.

I didn’t go forward.

Yet, as I stood there listening to the crescendo of the music, looking out at the freshly falling snow, I felt at home in His presence. Amidst the noise, I opened the door of my heart to the One who was gently knocking. In that moment, on a hilltop in Southern California, my soul received the seeds that were sown since childhood. Later that year, however, I entered a dark season of the soul. Walking through a deep, sunless valley, the enemy snatched up what had fallen on the footpath.

I’ve walked through many valleys and wilderness seasons since then. Nearly every decade, construction on this temple of His Spirit seems to come to a screeching halt. At least, from outside the house. Yet on the inside, He’s busy scattering more seeds in the soil of my soul. Deep below the surface, where no one can see, the Word is taking root as mountain high moments give way to valleys. And in due season, I’m faced with counting the cost of following Him through the valley, into the wilderness again.

Surrounded by death and desert and dry bones, I’m continuing to grieve and grumble AND grow in this season. The cost of leaving Egypt to follow Him to the Promised Land has cost far more than I expected. But I’m persevering. And I’m beginning to come up higher; above myself, above the powers and principalities of darkness, to the throne of grace!

Through this valley, I am:

RESTING in Him

LEAD by Him

RESTORED through Him

HONORING His name

WALKING with Him

FEARLESS in Him

PROTECTED & COMFORTED by Him

FEASTING at His table

RECEIVING His honor

ANOINTED in Him

OVERFLOWING in Him

PURSUED by Him

LIVING in His house

Into this wilderness, I am:

DIGESTING the scroll, before speaking

GRATEFUL for the manna He’s providing

SPEAKING to the rock, instead of striking it in anger

EATING locusts and honey, regardless of how crazy I look to others

PREPARING to receive His seed, before sowing into others

CLEARING the way in my heart for Him

MAKING a straight path in Him

FILLING in the valleys in Him

LEVELING the mountains & hills in Him

STRAIGHTENING the curves in Him

SMOOTHING the rough places in Him

It’s time to consider the cost, friends. Jesus is building His Father’s house of prayer – through the valleys and into the wilderness. Are you willing to follow His Spirit, wherever He leads?

Luke 14:28

28 “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?

Isaiah 40:3-5

3 Listen! It’s the voice of someone shouting,
“Clear the way through the wilderness
    for the Lord!
Make a straight highway through the wasteland
    for our God!
4 Fill in the valleys,
    and level the mountains and hills.
Straighten the curves,
    and smooth out the rough places.
5 Then the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
    The Lord has spoken!”[a]

Abandoned

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Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
    Why are you so far away when I groan for help?

“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…” I was a pre-school teacher at a Christian school- for a short season. I know what you’re thinking: she does NOT have the personality type for that! You’re right. I don’t. Thankfully, I was also a student of the Lord at that time.

During recess one sunny day, our (then) two-year-old had a meltdown on the playground when her older sister returned to class. At the end of the day, her teacher informed me of the episode, so on the way home I inquired of our little smiley girl,

“Sweetheart, what happened at school today?”

“I FRODA FIT!”

“You threw a fit?!”

“Yep.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because…

she LEFT ME!!!!!!”

I understood her frustration. I still understand her frustration. In her mind, her favorite person on the planet abandoned her- leaving her alone and afraid.

My mind sometimes plays the same trick on me: I feel like God has abandoned me. I feel alone. And afraid. I know its not true, but occasionally, my emotions overwhelm my thinking and I forget that He will never leave or forsake me.

More than two decades later in a promised land “far, far away…” I became a high school teacher at a Homeschool Co-op for a season. I know what you’re thinking: she does NOT have the personality type for that! You’re right. I don’t. Thankfully, I was also a student of the Lord at that time. Annnnnnd, wouldn’t ya know it? I was given the opportunity to have a few of my own meltdowns on the playground.

Because…..

I had been feeling abandoned. And alone. And afraid.

So, I did what any spiritually mature momma would do: I threw a temper tantrum. Actually, I threw several of them. It’s what my heart needed. I had to be honest with the Lord. Not at school, among students & fellow staff members, but in the secret place.

Because…

Not everyone on the playground is equipped to handle every emotional episode His children encounter. But, if we will become a student, He will provide teachers that can help us process the broken-hearted places of our soul. Some are licensed counselors. Some are practicing therapists. Some are mothers or fathers in the body of Christ. If we will seek them, we will find them; spiritually mature parents who will pray & prophesy over us, as we pour out our complaint to the Lord, like David did.

Like Jesus did.

My fellow sojourner,

Do you need to throw a temper tantrum?

Go on.

It’s ok to GROAN!

Ask the Lord for help.

He’s a Good Shepherd.

He’ll let you lay down in green pastures for a snack and a nap.

He’ll let you drink from His water fountain.

He’ll lead you through that playground.

His rod & staff will comfort your fears.

And, He WILL restore your sweet soul.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd;
    I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3     He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever.