I inherited my mom’s 1970’s lime green, Jell-O Tupperware mold when she passed away in 2021. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, my mother, and her mother before her, created masterpieces filled with fruit and other deliciousness for family reunions and holidays in that little piece of plastic. I stood in wonder watching their expertise as they cooked and cooled their concoctions with ease. Once the Jello-O was done, they broke the seal of the mold, then rapidly inverted its contents onto a fancy dish; displaying their handiwork for all of us to enjoy. My girls and I perform the same magnificent routine every Thanksgiving when we make their Mema’s famous cranberry Jell-O recipe.
Bullard Pack Thanksgiving 2021
If you’ve ever made Jell-O straight-outta-the box you know that boiling water is required to dissolve its contents. In order to prepare the mixture, ongoing heat must be applied. Only after a specified amount of time under intense pressure can the Jell-O finally be removed from the pot and transferred into a dish to begin its cooling process in the fridge overnight. During such time, the wiggly jiggly substance conforms to its container.
Such is the case with my heart.
In this season, as the Lord increases the temperature to the boiling point, I admit: my flesh grumbles & complains a little (ok- a LOT!). Mercifully, I’ve also come to my senses by the power of His Spirit, and submit my will to this divine pressure. Instead of ignoring or idolizing the explosive emotions that emerge from the heat in my heart, I’m learning to press into the pain. As I do, I discover, like David did in his Psalms of lament; the Lord hears my cry. In these moments of raw vulnerability, I am laying down in green pastures… and He’s restoring my soul.
I believe this, in part, is what it means to be a disciple.
Being.
Sitting.
At the feet of Jesus.
Praying; in secret and in community.
Submitting to the Word; in secret and in community.
Worshipping; in secret and in community.
I’m also in counseling.
And I’m seeking wise advice (lots of couch convos with my best friend [my man], and a few trusted leaders & friends).
Making Jell-O is a process, my friend……as is transforming the heart.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
The day after our 23rd wedding anniversary in 2019, our family visited Heart of the Father Ministry https://www.hotfmlakeland.com/ for the first time. As the worship team started playing, the youngest elder encouraged people to press into the Father’s heart. He invited those who wanted to enter the “splash zone” (altar area) to come forward. Our eldest daughter, the prophetic pioneer that she is turned and said, “I wanna go.” Without hesitation I responded, “let’s GO! You lead, I’ll follow.” In fact, the entire family followed.
Worshipping Jesus, among our brothers & sisters – who were complete strangers at the time, I had a powerful encounter with the Lord. I saw the Lord holding two hearts in His hands…
They were mine.
One was like Jell-o. The other looked like a piece of meat that had been over cooked in a pressure pot again-and again- and again. It was done. D-O-N-E, DONE! He simply asked, “which do you want?” Tears streaming down my face, I blurted out the quietest whisper I could muster,
“JELL-O!”
Immediately, His hand crushed the done heart- turning it into a pile of ashes beneath the jiggly jell-o heart.
His plans and purposes for my heart began unfolding as we left our fathers land in 2021, obeying Our Father’s call to go to a new land and live among a people who would love me back into the heart of the Father.
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
The Lord…
is my Shepherd.
I wonder why David chose to use the word, ‘Lord’ in verse 1? Perhaps it was because somewhere in the midst of all the psalms he wrote in his journal, David’s relationship with God had grown up.
As a child, I heard the bible story about David slaying Goliath in Sunday School, but I remained satisfied with simply knowing about the God he loved, without actually knowing Him- and Him knowing ME. In my early twenties that all changed. While 9 months pregnant with our first child, I encountered the One reflected in the pages of Scripture in our master bedroom, sitting cross legged on the bed. Feeling the heaviness of all my rebellion against God, I confessed- out loud- and repented of every sin I could remember. Then, I received Jesus as Savior.
Savior.
But not Lord.
As Savior, I first came to know Jesus as Teacher. I began to study His commands, wanting to obey them. Later, I came to know Jesus as Prophet. After years of conversations sitting beside Him at the well, our relationship shifted. Like He did with the Samaritan woman, He asked about all my “husbands.” Yep, Jesus began digging up the dirt of my past!!! Why? Because He LOVES me!
He was calling me to follow Him out of infancy, into spiritual maturity. He wanted me to know Him as Shepherd. He’s doing it again, in this season. Calling me out of adolescence, into adulthood. He’s inviting me into more.
More rest.
More restoration.
More knowing Him as Savior and Lord.
Throughout my childhood in Him, Jesus’s words in Matthew always gripped me:
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Sojourning Sheep,
My head knows the Lord is my Shepherd, but admittedly, it’s been a difficult 18-inch journey towards my heart.
I’m what experts call a self- motivated, natural born leader. I’m a sheep and a shepherd. As a shepherd, I’m a doer. I get stuff DONE. Quickly, and as efficiently as possible. It’s a strength and simultaneously, a weakness. The joy of this God given skill is that I am bound & determined to complete an assigned task, come hell or high water. The sorrow is that I can often cross over into striving, doing things in my own strength. Like a sheep with blinders on, I go full speed ahead in the pasture, and in so doing, I sometimes fail to stop long enough to hear that still small voice. Especially when He whispers “you’re done now, it’s time to transition,” Instead, I keep doing, doing, doing without realizing the grace has lifted, and I’m fighting the good fight of faith- in my flesh.
As a result, I burn out.
I wear out.
I break out- into a volcanic explosion of anger towards the enemy… and fellow sheep.
Such is the case with the pasture I’m transitioning out of. I’ll spare you the gory details. Just know that my soul has suffered- not to the point of death as our Savior, but it has been pierced with many sorrows. I’ve taken a few ravenous bites from the big bad wolf and some nips from other sheep. Please know, I am not without sin in all of this. My words proved that my heart was not always fruitful in all my “bah, bah-ing” either.
After a few pity parties (thankfully they don’t last as long as they used to!) about the pain in the pasture, I made my way back to the Shepherd. There, I heard Him say, “LAY DOWN Jodie….I want to RESTORE your soul.” He whispered His instruction multiple times, confirming His Word through Scripture, trusted shepherds and mature sheep.
Even though the transition between sheepfolds didn’t go as I expected, I am grateful to know the One who leads me, guides me and cuts me between joint & marrow, exposing my inner most thoughts.
The LORD is a good Shepherd.
I have all that we need in and through Him.
His rod and His staff protects and comforts.
His direction brings REST.
His discipline RESTORES my soul!
I don’t know what kind of pasture you find yourself in this season. Whether you’re a sheep or a shepherd of His sheep, or both, I want to encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Listen for His voice. Follow Him. Rest in Him. Stay close to Him. Let Him comfort & protect you. Eat of His body. Drink of His blood. LAY DOWN in His pastures. And live there- in His house of prayer.
18 One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers—Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew—throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. 19 Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” 20 And they left their nets at once and followed him.
21 A little farther up the shore he saw two other brothers, James and John, sitting in a boat with their father, Zebedee, repairing their nets. And he called them to come, too. 22 They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind.
God called me to follow Him into homeschooling in 2007.
At the time, I had,
-A newborn son who required constant care.
-A non-verbal, sometimes violent, yet musically gifted daughter on the Autism Spectrum.
-A smart, social butterfly daughter who thrived being in the presence of a loving teacher & her very best friends every day in a public-school classroom.
-A natural born, strong-willed leader daughter who felt constant pressure from the system to perform a greater quantity of work in exchange of quality work.
Let me be perfectly clear: I did NOT want to be a homeschool mom! For heaven’s sake, I purposefully changed my major from Music Education to Mass Media Communications because I realized after talking to a long-time educator that I didn’t want to teach bratty kids, deal with ungrateful parents and fight an impossibly rigid public-school system. Plus, we had become a single income household after our 3rd daughter was born, so I logically concluded that we couldn’t afford to pay state taxes for public education AND pay for our children’s homeschool education!
So, I politely told God, “no.”
He laughed.
Several months (and many tears) later, I finally relented to HIS will.
Matthew 16:21-26
New Living Translation
21 From then on Jesus[a]began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead.
22 But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him[b]for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!”
23 Jesus turned to Peter and said,“Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.”
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples,“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.26 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?[c]Is anything worth more than your soul?
I’ll spare you the gory details of what it has cost me to follow Him into homeschooling. But after 16 years, I say with absolute confidence, HE IS WORTH. IT. ALL!!!
Instead, my friend, I want to ask:
Did the Lord call you?!
IF the Lord called you to follow Him into homeschooling,
(not your spouse/kids/friends/self- wanting an alternative to public or private school)
THEN He will require you to:
(Matthew 16:24)
Give up YOUR way = time, talent, treasure
Take up YOUR cross = train your children in the way they should go (not the way everyone else is going)
Follow Him to YOUR death = as you teach your children, Jesus will teach you how to obey the Father; HIS Kingdom, HIS will, HIS way (not man’s kingdom, man’s will, man’s ways).
IF you chose to follow Him into homeschooling,
THEN you will be a servant who will suffer many terrible things at the hands of:
(Matthew 16:21)
“elders”
“leading priests”
“teachers of religious law”
Many won’t applaud or support your decision to homeschool. That’s ok. Please the Father, not people. He alone will judge us according to our deeds.
IF you will give up your life to follow Him into homeschooling,
THEN you will save it.
(Matthew 16: 25)
What needs to be saved in your life?
Your spirit? (Salvation in Jesus)
Your soul? (Mind, Will, Emotions)
Your relationship with God? (Worshipping Him in Spirit & Truth)
Your relationship with your husband? (Becoming One = body, soul, spirit)
Your relationship with your kids? (Loving them from the overflow of love you receive from the Father)
The cost of homeschooling has been great in my life. But what I have gained far surpasses anything I’ve lost. I pray the same is true for you!
Please share your homeschool story with us! (Comment below)
We’ve been living in the land God promised our family for over a year now. Indeed, it IS a land flowing with milk and honey. Actually, its flowing with orange juice and cattle! Centrally located between east & west coast beaches, Polk County, FL is full of cattle ranchers and citrus farmers.
Ten years ago, the Spirit of the Lord spoke to me in the secret place early one morning. He said He was removing the tent pegs of our temporary tabernacle, which would require us to leave our fathers land (both our dads were born & raised in NC) to settle in a new land where our family would dwell in a multi-generational house of prayer on a lake (HOTFM; Lakeland, FL). A series of dreams, divine encounters, visits down south and countless confirmations in Scripture confirmed the call for each member of our family- and the spiritual, emotional and physical cost each of us would pay to obey.
Living in- and leaving Egypt was a painful process, as I’ve written about in very raw language on this blog many times. I suffered rejection, betrayal and denial of what the Lord said through several of my closest relationships. I readily admit that I didn’t handle all the words spoken against me in a healthy way. Nor did I deal with the silent treatment that also ensued. Although I tried to forgive and forget while continuing to fight the good fight of faith, many scars began to fester and I started fighting a few battles in my flesh. A bitter root emerged as a result of self-righteous anger and the perceived injustice I felt.
But praise the Lord…Jesus still heals and delivers us from all our sin!!! By the power of His Spirit, the Word made flesh used several parts of His body to pray, encourage, correct and rebuke this emotionally temperamental teenager! One brave soul literally told me she saw a bitter root entrenched in my heart…and proceeded to intercede so that I could be set FREE. Hallelujah! A wonderful Christian Counselor has also helped me untangle from the thorns and thistles that grew in the soil of my soul the last 10 years.
Today, I can now say with confidence that like Jesus, I’ve learned obedience by the things I’ve suffered in this wilderness season. I’m not completely out of the desert, but I am beginning to see the end of this valley of the shadow of death, and I’m leaning even more on my Beloved!
The pain of the past is being consumed by the fire in His eyes. Jesus. The Word. IS powerful! When He speaks through Scripture, or by His Spirit in prayer, visions, dreams or divine appointments, He cuts straight to the heart. Separating between soul & spirit, He exposes… Every. Thing. Everything we’ve tried to hide from Him, ourselves and others in the garden. But if we’ll learn to trust Him through this process, we’ll receive His loving kindness which leads us to repentance.
In His presence, we are once again naked and unashamed. Fixing our gaze on the One who gave up His life for us. In that place, we realize HE is the only One we are accountable to.
As I am breaking free of this fear of man, I am re-discovering the need for God’s order of operations:
I’m sure I have many more lessons to learn in this land flowing with citrus and cattle, but for now I leave you with this encouragement, my friend: Seek FIRST the Kingdom!
Let me be clear: I had not gone without food for forty days. But I had repeatedly denied my flesh so that I may be led by the Spirit…
Into the wilderness.
To be tempted.
Wait.
What?
Why?!
Why would a loving Father, a sacrificial Son, a comforting Spirit lead me into the desert to dance with the devil?
Perhaps to prove to him (and myself) that he could try to lead, but I do not have to follow.
On this particular encounter, I was hit by the enemy. Twice. Through the same person. On the same day. My flesh immediately felt the impact. After the shock set in, I went straight into defense mode. I began planning my reaction:
Who could I tell?
Who could I get on my side?
Who could I ask to fight for MY name to be cleared?
A few people came to mind. I rehearsed what I’d say. I even assumed how it might feel being justified in my anger, and affirmed for being “right.” But someone prompted me to pause, and reconsider. Perhaps there was a better way to process. Perhaps my initial reaction wasn’t what Jesus would do.
Cue hearing Matthew 4:1-11 in my mind.
Cue hearing Romans 12:19 in my mind.
Cue hearing Psalm 148: 13 in my mind.
Cue seeing our church wide devotional for that day about wielding the Word of God (based on 1 John 2:14).
Cue our discussion about it in the prayer room that morning.
Cue me crying out to the Lord a short time later, literally asking Holy Spirit for help; to desire His Word above all else. To hunger and thirst for righteousness!
Immediately, with enough evidence stacked against the accuser of the brethren, I simply stated the Truth. I answered that prosecuting attorney in the same way my Savior and Lord did,
“It is written…”
“It is written…”
“It is written…”
I quoted Romans 12:19 & Psalm 148:13. Of course, that jerk didn’t remain silent for very long. Oh no. He tried again. This time, he began pointing his finger at one of my friends, saying she shoulda, coulda, woulda told my offender off if she really loved me. I wasn’t buying what he was selling. I reminded that snake of who my friend is. I knew she had not partnered with him against me, and I wasn’t going to partner with him against her.
And in that moment, the Lord reminded me of another friend who had the same trap laid for her not so long ago. She was tempted in the very same way I was. Unfortunately, she reacted quite differently. In her anger, she unwittingly joined in the lies and false accusation against others. Instead of pointing a Pharisaical finger at her, my heart was moved with great compassion. I’ve been exactly where she is. I’ve taken the bait more times than I can count. And I’ve found myself caught in the same trap, suffering the effects of bitterness when I refused to forgive those who had sinned against me.
Ugh!
So many battles.
So many arrows.
So much bleeding out.
So much loss.
So much trauma.
So much pain.
And….yet,
So much healing!
So much deliverance!
Praise the Lord, He did not leave or forsake me on the battlefield when I fell. He didn’t reject or condemn me when I failed to obey His orders – the Commander of Heavens Armies. Instead, He waited and kept the Red Cross tent open and ready for the day I recognized my sin, confessed it, repented, and returned to Him.
My friend, I hope I’ve learned my lesson.
I hope next time I’ll be slow to anger and quick to forgive.
I’m grateful His Spirit was my strength in weakness, allowing me to pass this recent test. I’m certain there will be more. And I’m certain His Spirit is and will be able to remind me again of His Word; my weapon of warfare against powers and principalities I cannot see. And I’m certain His Spirit will help me to forgive those I CAN see again.
Deep Into the Water 