Marriage

Not Offended

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Colossians 3:12-13

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

During a recent walk with my neighbor, I was shocked when out of nowhere she blurted out, “Jodie- I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you don’t work? You need to make some money so you can take care of yourself and your children. What if Doug runs off with another woman? What would you do?” “Well,” I quickly replied “I trust God and I trust my husband so I have no need to fear.” As she continued to plead her case, my mind began to wander…….

“dang! this woman just insulted my worth as a stay at home wife & home-school mom AND she’s accusing my husband of wanting to be unfaithful!!!”

But then the Holy Spirit gently interjected “she does not know me….she does not trust me…”

As my mind re-engaged in the conversation, my friend said again, “you know, Jodie, I don’t want to hurt your feelings…I just don’t trust NO ONE, not even my husband.”

DING, DING, DING- there it was, blinking like a neon sign right in front of me, exactly what the Lord just revealed: she trusts NO ONE.

Fortunately, instead of reacting in anger and becoming greatly offended by her false accusation the Lord poured out His Spirit and allowed me to show mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience towards my new friend. It was also God’s perfect timing because it was only the day before that she confessed that she was lonely- and needed a friend. It was only the day before that she wept, telling me that her beloved dog had just passed away. It was only the day before that she shared about her belief in Buddha- and that she was trying so hard to be a “good person.” It was only the day before that my heart ached and my eyes filled with tears as I realized how lost she was. It was only the day before that I told her about Jesus- the greatest friend she could ever know. It was only the day before that I asked God to continue to use me to draw her to Himself.

Every day, God gives us the opportunity to love our “neighbors”….whether its our spouse, our children, our extended family, our co-workers or those that live next door or down the street. The question is: will we be offended by their words or actions towards us, or will we allow the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to help us love them?

Luke 7:23

And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”

Endurance

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Romans 5:1-5

5 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

I’ve had the undeserved privilege of snorkeling in the waters off Maui, Oahu, The Bahama’s and The British Virgin Islands. My first attempt was on our honeymoon and the seas were especially rough that day. I struggled to learn how to breathe only in and out of my mouth and forcefully blow air out of the snorkel to expel water. Early into our excursion, waves began crashing over my heard and I began to panic, feeling like I was going to drown. After swallowing too much water I was forced back to the catamaran while Doug dove to the depths, petting sea turtles and snapping pictures of exotic fish.

Having snorkeled a handful of times since then, I felt confident that I would thoroughly enjoy 6 days of exploring the uncharted waters off Peter Island, but my maiden voyage was cut short. On our first full day on the island, Doug and I strapped on our flippers and facemasks and dove into the crystal clear waters of the Caribbean, swimming towards the rocky edge of White Bay. In the first few minutes I saw more fish then I had on all my other snorkeling adventures- combined! I was stoked. But then…we entered deep waters with powerful waves that continued to pull me towards the gigantic boulders on the coast. As salty water continued to pour into my snorkel, I tried and tried to remember to do as I had been taught, but I quickly began to panic. I surfaced multiple times, asking Doug for help and he patiently re-iterated what I needed to do. “Relax, Jodie…blow in and out of your mouth (not your nose) and when water comes in your snorkel, blow out….hard!” After a few more failed attempts, he even switched masks with me- thinking perhaps it wasn’t user error. It was. Switching back to my original mask I stuck my face back in the water, determined to see more fish.

Gurgle, gurgle, choke….swim to the surface…..spit.

I was exhausted, my stomach hurt and I was DONE. As I made my way back towards the beach I asked the Lord to help me relax and be able to enjoy snorkeling with my husband for the remainder of our trip.

Two days later, we donned our snorkel gear again, jumped in the water & headed towards the rocky coast of Honeymoon Beach. This time I rode the waves – just like a professional. I encountered schools and schools of beautiful fish and dozens of exquisitely designed coral. Reveling in my new found freedom to roam the seas, I began asking the Lord “would you pleeeease let Doug and I see a stingray?” Three days later, while riding the waves on my 2nd attempt to stand up on a paddleboard in Dead Chest Bay, I caught a glimpse of a moving rock. It was a stingray!!! I yelled at Doug on the shore and he quickly ran to grab our snorkel masks. Both of us were able to follow (at a safe distance!) that extraordinary creature and watch him glide across the bottom of the sea. The following day, I swam across a starfish in the same area. Bonus!

When I began feeling like I was drowning in my marriage a decade ago, I clung to God’s promise of restoration and redemption to endure the fierce waves. Even when the waters continued to pour over my snorkel and choke the breath out of me, God was developing strength of character in me. Even when Doug continued to disappoint me and our lives felt like we were being smashed against the gigantic boulders on the shoreline, God was developing confident hope in me.

When we had 4 children under the age of 7, with 1 of them labeled “special needs,” I clung to God’s promise of training them in the way they should go to endure the fierce waves. Even when the waters continued to pour over my snorkel and choke the breath out of me, God was developing strength of character in me. Even when I would have to discipline our children over and over and over again for the same defiant, manipulative, deceitful behavior, God was developing confident hope in me.

Now, as I look back over those years, I realize every problem and every trial has helped me develop endurance, strength of character and a confident hope in the only One who offers salvation from the fierce waves. And I can honestly say, I have not been disappointed.

 

 

 

Be & Know

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Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God!

During the multiple seasons of transition that our family has endured the last few years, the above verse has continued to resonate with Doug and me.

Be still!

It’s a command- yet I rarely obey it.

Know that I am GOD.

I know who He is in my mind, but I don’t always know Him intimately in my soul.

As the Holy Spirit has ever so gently continued to whisper this truth to me I have tried, in my own strength to make myself be still and know Him. But, realizing that I’m more of a visual & hands on learner, God, in His infinite wisdom took me out of my every day rat race and plopped us down on a private island last week to MAKE me be still!

All of God’s creation is beautiful, but there is something about the aqua blue waters of the Caribbean Sea, the lush vegetation, the rugged coastlines and the white sandy beaches of her islands that captivates me. Although I tried numerous times to articulate to Doug the overwhelming sense of being at home while I was there, I was rendered speechless. For words could not adequately describe how I felt…

-lying in a chase lounge, listening to the waves lap upon the shoreline

-watching the numerous palm trees bend and sway in the breeze as a storm approached

-snorkeling over magnificent coral teaming with brilliant colored creatures

-catching a glimpse of a stingray in the waters below me while paddle boarding

-gazing across the bay and seeing another stingray jump out of the water!

-watching pelicans dive down at lighting speed into the water at the marina to catch their dinner

-following an iguana to snap a closer picture of him eating a piece of fruit

-swimming in the shallows and discovering a star fish lying all alone on the white sand

-staring at the horizon as the sun set over the surrounding islands…cascading a yellow, orange and pink curtain across the sky

Be still!

Know that I am God.

It’s not just another thing I am supposed to do- like the many items I check off my “To Do” list. It’s a spirit connection to the One who created me- and the land and sea. It’s a mind, will and emotional connection to the One who willingly laid down His life for me so that I could spend decades of life–to–the-full on the Earth He created and eternity with Him in paradise.

Paradise.

That’s probably the only word that can encapsulate my experience last week. Webster defines paradise as “a place or state of bliss.” Not surprisingly, it also lists “Heaven” and “Eden” in its attempt to convey its meaning.

Eden.

It’s how my husband described the view from Dead Man’s beach as we laid in our lounge chairs, beneath the grape trees, soaking in the sights and sounds of the bay near Dead Chest Island.

Eden.

The perfect place God created for man and woman to be in constant relationship with Him -and to be one with each other.

Many of the US and British Virgin Islands have been untouched by man….left exactly the way the Father formed them in the beginning. They are absolutely perfect- just like Eden was. But, even the islands that have been overpopulated and polluted by locals and tourists are exquisite, for they are in the process of being redeemed and restored to their rightful place: paradise. And, so it is is we me; I have been overpopulated and polluted – but my soul is being restored and redeemed to its rightful place: paradise….by being still and knowing that He is God.

Father,

Thank you for creating the Caribbean Sea….and me. Help me to continue to be still and know you- whether I’m sitting on a private island or in my Lazy Boy recliner in the privacy of my bedroom.

Amen

Be Fruitful & Multiply

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Genesis 1:28

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply…

After creating everything in the universe, God proclaimed it “good”- until He formed man. He knew that it was “NOT good” for him to be alone. So, as only God could do, He created a helper that was suitable for him; spiritually, emotionally & physically.

Far too often, couples find it difficult to be fruitful & multiply in all 3 of these areas.  To further complicate matters, when the physical union of the relationship is broken, it can greatly affect the spiritual and emotional aspects of the marriage as well, making it almost impossible to become one.

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

12 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. 13 You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies. 14 And God will raise us from the dead by his power, just as he raised our Lord from the dead.

15 Don’t you realize that your bodies are actually parts of Christ? Should a man take his body, which is part of Christ, and join it to a prostitute? Never! 16 And don’t you realize that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? For the Scriptures say, “The two are united into one.”[a] 17 But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.

18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

The enemy is crafty. He beings to prey on us when we are young, tempting us to submit to the yearning of our flesh, instead of the yearning of our soul. The fact is, God created us to express our love in a physical manner with our spouse, but our bodies begin to prepare themselves- as He designed- years before we say, “I do.” Satan knows that sex can be a powerful form of worship between a husband and wife who are submitted to God and one another. Therefore, he will do anything he can to ensure we never experience the euphoric union that God intended for us to share with our spouse. Unfortunately, his schemes have worked on far too many couples, leaving them feeling numb and full of spiritual, emotional and physical scars inflicted by sexual sin.

-Pornography

-Masturbation

-Fornication

-Adultery

If we want to live fruitful lives and multiply our descendants and disciples we must allow the Great Physician to gently pull back the scars, carefully clean out the wounds and lovingly heal our mind, body and soul.

God offers redemption and restoration for every person- every couple, if they will trust Him and submit to His commands. Only then can we experience true oneness, as God intended, with our spouse. And that my friends, is GOOD.

“Father, I repent for engaging in pornography & masturbation. I ask that you break the “oneness” with every image/person I’ve seen and fantasized about.”

“Lord, I repent for engaging in (any form of) fornication with _____________. I ask that you break the “oneness” between us.”

“God, I repent for breaking my marriage vows by engaging in (any form of) adultery with ____________. I ask that you break the “oneness” between us.”

Jeremiah 31:3-6

3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel:
“I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
    With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. 4 I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel.
    You will again be happy
    and dance merrily with your tambourines.5 Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria
    and eat from your own gardens there.6 The day will come when watchmen will shout
    from the hill country of Ephraim,
‘Come, let us go up to Jerusalem[a]
    to worship the Lord our God.’”

In the Light

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1 John 1:5-10

5 This is the message we heard from Jesus[a] and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. 6 So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. 7 But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.

8 If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. 9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.

Upon my salvation, I believed God forgave ALL my sins; past, present & future. Although this is true, as a new disciple, I was inadvertently taught that I didn’t need to repent -ever again.

Romans 3:23-24

23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

By God’s grace, I HAVE BEEN SAVED from eternal punishment and my destiny in Him is secure! And now I know that when I repent, it is not to re-secure my spot in heaven, but to re-open the door to God’s light in my life. Choosing to rest on the laurels of praying the sinner’s prayer 14 years ago does not exclude me from living in darkness today. To pretend that I have not sinned since that day is foolishness. When there is unconfessed sin in my life, my relationship with God is hindered. The only way to uncover that darkness is to penetrate it with His light. As I pause each day and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal those places in my soul (some of which I may be completely unaware of because I am being deceived by the enemy), He is faithful to answer:

-judgment

-unforgiveness

-complacency

-doubt

-fear

Then, instead of offering a “blanket” apology, I repent in detail for these things:

REPENT = to feel or show that you are sorry for something wrong that you did and that you want to do what is right (Merriam-Webster)

-“Lord, please forgive me for judging ________. You know their heart, and you will judge according to your perfect will, not mine.”

-“I choose as an act of my will, to forgive _________. They owe me nothing.”

-“Father, remove the complacency from my soul. Help me to run boldly after you to further your Kingdom on this earth.”

-“God, forgive me for doubting that you are good- and that you will provide for me.”

-“Lord, please show me the root of this fear. I repent for being bound to my circumstances, instead of trusting in you.”

A “blanket” repentance can be likened to a “blanket” apology after a fight with my spouse. In the beginning, Doug and I were ok with just saying “I’m sorry…” to one another. But, as our relationship has deepened and the light has pushed the areas of darkness back, our souls long for greater oneness. Now, when we repent to one another, we are specific:

-“I apologize for yelling and disrespecting you in front of the kids…I wanted you to do what I wanted.”

-“Would you please forgive me for disregarding the budget you set in place? I made a hasty decision to buy what I wanted.”

-“I’m sorry I didn’t consult you before making plans with friends. I was only thinking about what I wanted to do.”

When we confess our sin- in detail- the other person knows the sincerity of our heart. It also shows that we desire complete restoration for the relationship. A quick “I’m sorry” is usually expressed to just get ourselves out of trouble, so we can move on with what we want to do (take the kids to their activities, watch the big game on TV, go shopping, have sex….). But our spouse is not fooled- and neither is God. He knows our hearts intent, even before our lips utter a sound. If we truly want to live in the light and experience a redeemed and restored relationship with Our Father, sincere repentance must be a daily act of submission for us.

The beauty of our willingness to humble ourselves before the Creator of the universe is that He is always faithful to forgive- and embrace us with open arms.

Luke 15:11-32

11 To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.

13 “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. 14 About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. 15 He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. 16 The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.

17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! 18 I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, 19 and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

20 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 21 His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.[a]’

22 “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. 23 And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, 24 for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.

25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, 26 and he asked one of the servants what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’

28 “The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, 29 but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. 30 Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’

31 “His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. 32 We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’”

Control Freak

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Romans 15:13 New Living Translation (NLT)

13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Doug and I have often been asked by couples seeking to rebuild their broken marriages to give them a 12-step program to fix it. Because, when you are in the depths of the valley, you just want a plan to get out—quickly. Most often though, God will lead us the long way home because there are life lessons that can only be learned along the road less traveled. Although we do not offer a 12-step program, we do offer them hope- IF they make their first step: Trust in Him.

As we’ve shared in our conferences, small groups and mentoring sessions, this is the step that changed our lives- and our marriage. In 2001, when all my hopes and dreams were shattered and Doug was desperate for help to be released from the bondage of sexual sin, we both had to make a choice. Were we going to walk away from our 5-year marriage with 2 kids or were we going to trust God- and learn how to once again trust each other?

The trusting God part was a tad bid easier for me, because I didn’t have any evidence of Him hurting or disappointing me. Doug, on the other hand, had repeatedly lied to me about his battle with pornography and consequently hidden much of his life from me due to the shame he was carrying.

Although I felt like it would be easier to run away, I decided to choose, as an act of my will, to give him one more chance. Hoping, beyond all hope that one day, I would be able to trust him again. I then gave him my list of demands:

-He had to go to counseling

-He had to get rid of all internet access

-He had to find a way to pay the bills (he was suspended for 30 days from his job, without pay because his company had been monitoring his internet usage, keeping record of all the sites he viewed).

After he agreed, I became a full-fledged control freak, forcing him to report every detail of his day to me. I convinced myself that is was for his own good because he needed to be accountable to someone, right!

I, however, was not acting as his accountability partner- at least not at first. Because I was the offended, I felt I had the “right” to be his warden, controlling everything he did…so I could ensure his perfection and rebuild the trust I had lost in him. What I didn’t realize, until God intervened, was that I had to trust God first. I had to trust that God loved me and would take care of me and that His plans for my life were for good. I also had to trust God with Doug. I had to trust that God loved him and would take care of him and that His plans for his life were for good. And so, I had to let go of trying to control my life- and Doug’s…and HOPE that God would heal our broken marriage, redeem what was stolen and use all of it for our good.

When I realized that I could not be Doug’s savior or break the power of sin in his life, I no longer had to hold on to his offenses against me and be angry all the time. I could have joy…and peace…even in the midst of my walk through the valley.

12 years later, as I look back over our journey together as man and wife, I am amazed at the awesome redemptive power of our Creator and I am honored to have a husband who is a man after God’s own heart- and a man of great integrity. I trust him, in all areas of our life together-completely.

Water Into Wine

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John 2 New Living Translation (NLT)

2 The next day[a] there was a wedding celebration in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, 2 and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the celebration. 3 The wine supply ran out during the festivities, so Jesus’ mother told him, “They have no more wine.”

4 “Dear woman, that’s not our problem,” Jesus replied. “My time has not yet come.”

5 But his mother told the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” 

6 Standing nearby were six stone water jars, used for Jewish ceremonial washing. Each could hold twenty to thirty gallons.[b] 7 Jesus told the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” When the jars had been filled, 8 he said, “Now dip some out, and take it to the master of ceremonies.” So the servants followed his instructions.

9 When the master of ceremonies tasted the water that was now wine, not knowing where it had come from (though, of course, the servants knew), he called the bridegroom over. 10 “A host always serves the best wine first,” he said. “Then, when everyone has had a lot to drink, he brings out the less expensive wine. But you have kept the best until now!”

11 This miraculous sign at Cana in Galilee was the first time Jesus revealed his glory. And his disciples believed in him.

As our son was sitting with me this morning, singing his favorite song: “water you turned into wine….opened the eyes of the blind…there’s no one like you….none like you…..”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkljgA5SQc8

he abruptly turned and asked “why did He turn water into wine?” We then had a nice little chat about Jesus’ miracle at the wedding celebration in Cana. The hosts had run out of wine, which could have been a HUGE embarrassment, because the guests expected, as was custom, to be entertained and fed during the week-long festivities! When I asked our 6 year old  “why do you think they needed more wine?” he replied, matter of factly “they wanted something to drink.”

Yep. It was a party. They wanted wine people! (no, it wasn’t grape juice – it was alcohol. And as any college freshman would know, it’s not a real party without a little alcohol, is it?!).

Now, running out of wine would not have meant the end of the world, but it was important to the hosts, the bride and groom- and the guests, so it was important to Jesus.

Sometimes I fail to recognize that God uses social events & small acts of kindness to advance His Kingdom. When people come together as a group, there is opportunity to build relationships & share the gospel (this is why small groups are SO vital for the church). Now, I’m not saying we should throw a keg party for the neighborhood and try to win people over for Jesus, but we do need to be willing to hang out with sinners and fill their needs (whether physical or spiritual), just as Jesus did.

If we are willing, God can use us to change a person’s life with just a small act:

-Invite some families over for a cookout

-Give someone a gift card

-Take a meal to a new mom and dad

-Repair a leaking pipe for a friend

-Take a homemade goodie to your local firemen/women

-Chop firewood for someone to heat his or her home

-Attend a baby shower for a single mom

-Listen to a friend share about their crummy day

-Bake a loaf of bread for a new neighbor

-Babysit kids for a husband and wife to go on a date

-Fix an electrical issue for a friend

These simple things are just a few ways we can show love to others…..and you never know, what we do for them may just be the miracle they’ve been asking God for!

 

 

(Please note: I am not advocating drunkenness in this post-I was just trying to make a point! I believe what scripture says about drinking in excess: Ephesians 5:18 Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit…)