Genesis 16:5 New Living Translation (NLT)

Then Sarai said to Abram, “This is all your fault! I put my servant into your arms, but now that she’s pregnant she treats me with contempt. The Lord will show who’s wrong—you or me!”

Since the marriage of Adam & Eve, wives have been telling their husbands what to do and their husbands have willingly gone against God and done it! I wonder how different the stories would have been if Adam would have whispered in the garden “now dear…I understand the serpent made you think it was ok to eat this fruit- but God forbids it and I WON’T do it!” And what if Abram would have said, “honey, I know how desperately you want to have a child, but God has promised that my descendants will be many. Let’s wait for His timing to give us a child, instead of me having sex with your maid!”

I’ve obviously never been a husband, so I can’t begin to understand the pressure they must face in being the head of the family. For Doug, it not only means spiritually being responsible for 4 kids, and me but also physically providing for a family of 6. And with all that pressure, I’m sure, at times, husbands just want to make their wives “happy” so they whimper “yes, dear” and go along with her plans.

But that is not always a wise choice.

My husband loves to work in the yard- I do NOT. He has grand dreams of having a beautifully landscaped lot that looks like one of those model homes you see on commercials for Lowe’s Home Improvement. Sure- I wouldn’t mind looking at all that gorgeousness, but I don’t want to spend the money or time to obtain it. But…the loving wife that I am J chose to surprise her beloved by buying him used brick patio pavers from a friend for his birthday (he had been dreaming about adding a patio to our backyard for years). Just orchestrating the purchase of said pavers and picking them up, with the help of our go-to-guy without Doug finding out about it was a major undertaking!!! Then, after the birthday unveiling, he had to decide where/how the patio would be installed. Trouble was, Doug was out of town working most of the time, and so I was left to come up with a plan in order to get the project completed for the summer.

The project began the middle of March.

My 1^st plan didn’t work because of the slope of the yard and drainage issues.

My 2^nd plan didn’t work because there were too many tree roots and the shed that was built in our backyard (prior owners) wasn’t even with the angle of the house and well…it would have been crooked and looked stupid!

My 3^rd plan attempted to trick the eye into believing the crooked patio and shed were built together that way, on purpose.

Finally, installation day arrived! (there is not enough space in this blog to go into the fiasco on that day. Let’s just say, things did NOT go according to plan and there were some extra people around giving their not-asked-for opinions!)

Later that night, after ½ the patio was installed, we realized the plan was flawed….so Doug and I ripped out part of the pavers and reinstalled them into the 4^th plan.

May, June, July….

The 4^th plan brought about more drainage problems & exposed the foundations around the shed. So…we came up with the 5^th plan. After the patio was completed, we hired a contractor to build flowerbeds around the foundation to hide the ugly cement. Problem was, they were installed while we were away, and when we returned, they were MUCH taller than we had expected. The 6^th plan included turning part of the flowerbed into a bench for more seating around the patio.

It’s now September and when my husband asked me to come inspect the job a few days ago, I immediately noticed an extra board that was nailed onto the shed, in order to cover a small gap from the seating to the shed. In order to make my frustration known, I recounted the fact that THIS was not MY project and that it was already WAY over budget and that it STILL wasn’t finished and now WE were going to have to rip the board off and fill the holes and try to find the right paint to match to cover up the mistake on the 6^th plan!!!!! Basically, in my mind, it was all Doug’s fault.

After my ever so patient husband left to go speak to the contractor, I looked down and low and behold, there was my bible. So, I figured that in my irate state, it might be a good idea to pick it up and read it. And wouldn’t you know it…the above-mentioned verse just POPPED out at me!

The 7^th plan included me going to my husband to seek his forgiveness. I had used him as a scapegoat for the frustration I felt about all my failed plans.

Now, the disastrous patio project wasn’t a result of my husbands sin, or mine but it did remind me that unfortunately, Eve, Sarai & me have shared similar stories of leading our husbands into sin, and then blaming them for the consequences. My actions, just like Eve & Sarai’s not only separated us from God but they also ripped apart the intimacy that we are supposed to share when we are united as one.

The enemy uses the blame game in marriages all the time. Even in something as stupid as an over budget, poorly constructed patio project! What was just a series of unfortunate mistakes could have easily lead to a huge argument with choice adjectives & finger pointing had Doug not had the fruit of the Spirit and I had not had eyes to see the plans of the enemy.

So, take a lesson from a woman who has blindly followed the plans of the enemy many times before:

Be sure you are constantly connected to the Holy Spirit so that you don’t make selfish, impatient plans that will lead you and your husband to sin. Otherwise, you may be kicked out of the garden & have to deal with a pregnant sister wife!

Proverbs 17:9
New Living Translation (NLT)

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.

When a husband or wife says “I’m done” its usually followed by a long dissertation of failures & sins their spouse has committed against them. Their anger and accusations makes it evident that their love has died. Why?
Why do so many couples find themselves at this crossroads?
Why do so many choose divorce as their only solution to the problem?
Because, when we are offended, it’s much easier to dwell on the other person’s faults instead of choosing to forgive. Over time, our dwelling grows into bitterness and resentment and completely chokes out the love that used to be in its place.

I’ve been at that crossroads. And I was tempted to take what I thought would have been the “easy” way out, but I chose not to. Why? God intervened and I obeyed….by choosing to forgive.

Doug and I have many opportunities to sit and listen to other couples’ dissertations and our heart breaks at the wounds that have been inflicted on each spouse year after year of their marriage. Occasionally, we meet with a couple that have built a fortress around their heart, in order to protect themselves from further wounds. After we have given them the opportunity to spill all of their anger, hurt, frustration & unmet expectations, we ask the crucial question: “are you willing to forgive them for ________?” their initial response is usually “no.” At this point, it is almost impossible to crack the mortar that they’ve allowed the enemy to build around their soul. But, if we can see even an ounce of willingness behind that wall to break free from the bondage it holds them in…. we will put on our safety goggles & sledgehammers and help begin the painstaking process of disassembling that wall with the truth of God’s love and the power of His forgiveness!          Deconstructing is a difficult, but amazing process to witness, as the Holy Spirit removes the bricks of unforgiveness one by one. After the debris is cleared, perspectives are radically changed and in their place are hearts that were willing to forgive faults, because they themselves have experienced- perhaps for the first time- the depth of Jesus’ love and forgiveness. It’s not that these couples aren’t “saved” and attending church, they are. In fact most of them are doing all the “right” things. The only problem is, they haven’t had a truly genuine, intimate relationship with their Creator…and until they do, the bricks of unforgiveness will continue to build a fortress, keeping their spouse- and ultimately, God at bay.
I’ve heard it said that the enemy’s primary objective is to keep us from salvation through Jesus Christ. If he looses on that account, his next plan of attack is to keep us from fulfilling God’s destiny for our lives. There is no greater evidence of this ploy than in the countless numbers of marriages that sever their vows made to each other and to God because the enemy has convinced them that their spouse is the enemy- and doesn’t deserve their forgiveness.

As I mentioned before, I was one of those spouses at a crossroads- until God intervened. It happened on an ordinary day….walking through my house, grumbling about all the ways my husband had sinned against me and failed to fulfill his godly roles as husband and father. The Holy Spirit stopped me dead in my tracks and whispered “I died for him too…I love him & forgive him, just as I have you.”

A wall. A sledgehammer. Forgiveness. Flying debris. Love prospered.

If you truly want to change your marriage- don’t buy a self-help book. Read THE book and discover how Jesus forgave. Then ask Him to forgive you for all your faults. After the reality of His love and sacrifice washes over you, you will be compelled to extend that same grace to your spouse. And when you do, love WILL prosper.

But, if you find that you are stuck behind an impenetrable wall and are not able to forgive-don’t give up! Ask a trusted mentor for help. They, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, can help you demolish it.