Oh, my friend. What a season it has been! The Master Gardener has been hard at work; uprooting, transplanting, pruning, cutting and cultivating the soil of my soul. In His process, I don’t always begin as a willing participant, but I’m thankful that He is patient, slow to anger and abounding in His love for me.
Many things have died or been destroyed in His tending. I have grieved the loss of people and places and previous years of production. He’s been stripping every dead branch and exposing every bitter root. Because, little foxes of rejection and rebellion that remain buried in darkness always spoil the vine. With eternity in mind, He’s given me what I’ve asked for: a clean heart that loves Him with all my mind, will and emotions. By His grace, He will produce the fruit He’s after- for His glory, and my good.
Scattered seeds were buried, died, took root and are beginning to burst forth. Mourning is transitioning into JOY. Grief is growing into gratitude!!!
During a youth camp service at Forest Home in the 80’s I had what some call a mountain high experience. While singing the chorus of “Awesome God,” an altar call was given to me and my fellow Gen X-ers.
I didn’t go forward.
Yet, as I stood there listening to the crescendo of the music, looking out at the freshly falling snow, I felt at home in His presence. Amidst the noise, I opened the door of my heart to the One who was gently knocking. In that moment, on a hilltop in Southern California, my soul received the seeds that were sown since childhood. Later that year, however, I entered a dark season of the soul. Walking through a deep, sunless valley, the enemy snatched up what had fallen on the footpath.
I’ve walked through many valleys and wilderness seasons since then. Nearly every decade, construction on this temple of His Spirit seems to come to a screeching halt. At least, from outside the house. Yet on the inside, He’s busy scattering more seeds in the soil of my soul. Deep below the surface, where no one can see, the Word is taking root as mountain high moments give way to valleys. And in due season, I’m faced with counting the cost of following Him through the valley, into the wilderness again.
Surrounded by death and desert and dry bones, I’m continuing to grieve and grumble AND grow in this season. The cost of leaving Egypt to follow Him to the Promised Land has cost far more than I expected. But I’m persevering. And I’m beginning to come up higher; above myself, above the powers and principalities of darkness, to the throne of grace!
Through this valley, I am:
RESTING in Him
LEAD by Him
RESTORED through Him
HONORING His name
WALKING with Him
FEARLESS in Him
PROTECTED & COMFORTED by Him
FEASTING at His table
RECEIVING His honor
ANOINTED in Him
OVERFLOWING in Him
PURSUED by Him
LIVING in His house
Into this wilderness, I am:
DIGESTING the scroll, before speaking
GRATEFUL for the manna He’s providing
SPEAKING to the rock, instead of striking it in anger
EATING locusts and honey, regardless of how crazy I look to others
PREPARING to receive His seed, before sowing into others
CLEARING the way in my heart for Him
MAKING a straight path in Him
FILLING in the valleys in Him
LEVELING the mountains & hills in Him
STRAIGHTENING the curves in Him
SMOOTHING the rough places in Him
It’s time to consider the cost, friends. Jesus is building His Father’s house of prayer – through the valleys and into the wilderness. Are you willing to follow His Spirit, wherever He leads?
1 My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…” I was a pre-school teacher at a Christian school- for a short season. I know what you’re thinking: she does NOT have the personality type for that! You’re right. I don’t. Thankfully, I was also a student of the Lord at that time.
During recess one sunny day, our (then) two-year-old had a meltdown on the playground when her older sister returned to class. At the end of the day, her teacher informed me of the episode, so on the way home I inquired of our little smiley girl,
“Sweetheart, what happened at school today?”
“I FRODA FIT!”
“You threw a fit?!”
“Yep.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because…
she LEFT ME!!!!!!”
I understood her frustration. I still understand her frustration. In her mind, her favorite person on the planet abandoned her- leaving her alone and afraid.
My mind sometimes plays the same trick on me: I feel like God has abandoned me. I feel alone. And afraid. I know its not true, but occasionally, my emotions overwhelm my thinking and I forget that He will never leave or forsake me.
More than two decades later in a promised land “far, far away…” I became a high school teacher at a Homeschool Co-op for a season. I know what you’re thinking: she does NOT have the personality type for that! You’re right. I don’t. Thankfully, I was also a student of the Lord at that time. Annnnnnd, wouldn’t ya know it? I was given the opportunity to have a few of my own meltdowns on the playground.
Because…..
I had been feeling abandoned. And alone. And afraid.
So, I did what any spiritually mature momma would do: I threw a temper tantrum. Actually, I threw several of them. It’s what my heart needed. I had to be honest with the Lord. Not at school, among students & fellow staff members, but in the secret place.
Because…
Not everyone on the playground is equipped to handle every emotional episode His children encounter. But, if we will become a student, He will provide teachers that can help us process the broken-hearted places of our soul. Some are licensed counselors. Some are practicing therapists. Some are mothers or fathers in the body of Christ. If we will seek them, we will find them; spiritually mature parents who will pray & prophesy over us, as we pour out our complaint to the Lord, like David did.
Like Jesus did.
My fellow sojourner,
Do you need to throw a temper tantrum?
Go on.
It’s ok to GROAN!
Ask the Lord for help.
He’s a Good Shepherd.
He’ll let you lay down in green pastures for a snack and a nap.
He’ll let you drink from His water fountain.
He’ll lead you through that playground.
His rod & staff will comfort your fears.
And, He WILL restore your sweet soul.
Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 TheLordis my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
I inherited my mom’s 1970’s lime green, Jell-O Tupperware mold when she passed away in 2021. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, my mother, and her mother before her, created masterpieces filled with fruit and other deliciousness for family reunions and holidays in that little piece of plastic. I stood in wonder watching their expertise as they cooked and cooled their concoctions with ease. Once the Jello-O was done, they broke the seal of the mold, then rapidly inverted its contents onto a fancy dish; displaying their handiwork for all of us to enjoy. My girls and I perform the same magnificent routine every Thanksgiving when we make their Mema’s famous cranberry Jell-O recipe.
Bullard Pack Thanksgiving 2021
If you’ve ever made Jell-O straight-outta-the box you know that boiling water is required to dissolve its contents. In order to prepare the mixture, ongoing heat must be applied. Only after a specified amount of time under intense pressure can the Jell-O finally be removed from the pot and transferred into a dish to begin its cooling process in the fridge overnight. During such time, the wiggly jiggly substance conforms to its container.
Such is the case with my heart.
In this season, as the Lord increases the temperature to the boiling point, I admit: my flesh grumbles & complains a little (ok- a LOT!). Mercifully, I’ve also come to my senses by the power of His Spirit, and submit my will to this divine pressure. Instead of ignoring or idolizing the explosive emotions that emerge from the heat in my heart, I’m learning to press into the pain. As I do, I discover, like David did in his Psalms of lament; the Lord hears my cry. In these moments of raw vulnerability, I am laying down in green pastures… and He’s restoring my soul.
I believe this, in part, is what it means to be a disciple.
Being.
Sitting.
At the feet of Jesus.
Praying; in secret and in community.
Submitting to the Word; in secret and in community.
Worshipping; in secret and in community.
I’m also in counseling.
And I’m seeking wise advice (lots of couch convos with my best friend [my man], and a few trusted leaders & friends).
Making Jell-O is a process, my friend……as is transforming the heart.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
The day after our 23rd wedding anniversary in 2019, our family visited Heart of the Father Ministry https://www.hotfmlakeland.com/ for the first time. As the worship team started playing, the youngest elder encouraged people to press into the Father’s heart. He invited those who wanted to enter the “splash zone” (altar area) to come forward. Our eldest daughter, the prophetic pioneer that she is turned and said, “I wanna go.” Without hesitation I responded, “let’s GO! You lead, I’ll follow.” In fact, the entire family followed.
Worshipping Jesus, among our brothers & sisters – who were complete strangers at the time, I had a powerful encounter with the Lord. I saw the Lord holding two hearts in His hands…
They were mine.
One was like Jell-o. The other looked like a piece of meat that had been over cooked in a pressure pot again-and again- and again. It was done. D-O-N-E, DONE! He simply asked, “which do you want?” Tears streaming down my face, I blurted out the quietest whisper I could muster,
“JELL-O!”
Immediately, His hand crushed the done heart- turning it into a pile of ashes beneath the jiggly jell-o heart.
His plans and purposes for my heart began unfolding as we left our fathers land in 2021, obeying Our Father’s call to go to a new land and live among a people who would love me back into the heart of the Father.
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
The Lord…
is my Shepherd.
I wonder why David chose to use the word, ‘Lord’ in verse 1? Perhaps it was because somewhere in the midst of all the psalms he wrote in his journal, David’s relationship with God had grown up.
As a child, I heard the bible story about David slaying Goliath in Sunday School, but I remained satisfied with simply knowing about the God he loved, without actually knowing Him- and Him knowing ME. In my early twenties that all changed. While 9 months pregnant with our first child, I encountered the One reflected in the pages of Scripture in our master bedroom, sitting cross legged on the bed. Feeling the heaviness of all my rebellion against God, I confessed- out loud- and repented of every sin I could remember. Then, I received Jesus as Savior.
Savior.
But not Lord.
As Savior, I first came to know Jesus as Teacher. I began to study His commands, wanting to obey them. Later, I came to know Jesus as Prophet. After years of conversations sitting beside Him at the well, our relationship shifted. Like He did with the Samaritan woman, He asked about all my “husbands.” Yep, Jesus began digging up the dirt of my past!!! Why? Because He LOVES me!
He was calling me to follow Him out of infancy, into spiritual maturity. He wanted me to know Him as Shepherd. He’s doing it again, in this season. Calling me out of adolescence, into adulthood. He’s inviting me into more.
More rest.
More restoration.
More knowing Him as Savior and Lord.
Throughout my childhood in Him, Jesus’s words in Matthew always gripped me:
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Sojourning Sheep,
My head knows the Lord is my Shepherd, but admittedly, it’s been a difficult 18-inch journey towards my heart.
I’m what experts call a self- motivated, natural born leader. I’m a sheep and a shepherd. As a shepherd, I’m a doer. I get stuff DONE. Quickly, and as efficiently as possible. It’s a strength and simultaneously, a weakness. The joy of this God given skill is that I am bound & determined to complete an assigned task, come hell or high water. The sorrow is that I can often cross over into striving, doing things in my own strength. Like a sheep with blinders on, I go full speed ahead in the pasture, and in so doing, I sometimes fail to stop long enough to hear that still small voice. Especially when He whispers “you’re done now, it’s time to transition,” Instead, I keep doing, doing, doing without realizing the grace has lifted, and I’m fighting the good fight of faith- in my flesh.
As a result, I burn out.
I wear out.
I break out- into a volcanic explosion of anger towards the enemy… and fellow sheep.
Such is the case with the pasture I’m transitioning out of. I’ll spare you the gory details. Just know that my soul has suffered- not to the point of death as our Savior, but it has been pierced with many sorrows. I’ve taken a few ravenous bites from the big bad wolf and some nips from other sheep. Please know, I am not without sin in all of this. My words proved that my heart was not always fruitful in all my “bah, bah-ing” either.
After a few pity parties (thankfully they don’t last as long as they used to!) about the pain in the pasture, I made my way back to the Shepherd. There, I heard Him say, “LAY DOWN Jodie….I want to RESTORE your soul.” He whispered His instruction multiple times, confirming His Word through Scripture, trusted shepherds and mature sheep.
Even though the transition between sheepfolds didn’t go as I expected, I am grateful to know the One who leads me, guides me and cuts me between joint & marrow, exposing my inner most thoughts.
The LORD is a good Shepherd.
I have all that we need in and through Him.
His rod and His staff protects and comforts.
His direction brings REST.
His discipline RESTORES my soul!
I don’t know what kind of pasture you find yourself in this season. Whether you’re a sheep or a shepherd of His sheep, or both, I want to encourage you to keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Listen for His voice. Follow Him. Rest in Him. Stay close to Him. Let Him comfort & protect you. Eat of His body. Drink of His blood. LAY DOWN in His pastures. And live there- in His house of prayer.
Deep Into the Water 